Sick Again

12 19 06
Another cold. Chest, head, nose..Not like the last one where I felt I couldn't move. This one I feel feverish, but don't crave sleep. I've been having lots of odd dreams. I have to sleep propped up on three pillows because I can't breathe. (Thinking of the story W told me of the woman who choked to death on her own phlegm. Lots of those this is what a deathbed must feel like thoughts.) I'm at work although I shouldn't be because I'm afraid to be home sick this time around. Most times I long to be home when I'm sick. I'm afraid of being attacked by food. Of killing myself with food.

Lots of tasks to do here I can't focus on.

12 20 06
Having the fantasy of going to visit Lucas instead of going to the workshop. Yesterday S visited and told me her mother won't go with her to Italy because then she'd have to come back and that would just be too much pain. To myself I thought, that's the way I am. I can't bear to have to part from him again so I put off going to see him. And I'm afraid I'll be restimulated by what I see, signs of drinking and drugging. Already the train he's on has traveled far from me. Yesterday he passed his driving test. He could tell I was surprised. I imagine him much less able to cope with mainstream systems than he is. Later he called me by mistake meaning to call "My Baby's Mother." That's a whole new relationship his generation have invented. He's embarking on parenting a new way. Like some sort of longhouses the men live alone or with other men or with other women but they retain some kind of permanency with the BabyMamas. Will I ever get to have Alina in my life?
I still have a low grade fever but I'm at work. It's the day of the Christmas party. I'm looking forward to it which amazes me but there it is. These are the people I spend most of my life with, with whom I have permanency if not closeness or ideological affinity. I'm looking forward to Rosemary's cheese tamales and Georgia's sister's Debbie's vegetable casserole, and Robertine's salad, and Naddeane's vegetarian greens and Prasantha's Sri Lankan dhal, very hot...And the sugar free brownies and cheesecake. Then the Secret Santa. I am picturing it with anticipation and pleasure in my little fevered brain because I very much like the gift I got my person, a beautiful small journal with a cover that has a flap closing and a relief design of moorish tiles. I don't care if I get something I don't appreciate. I have low expectations. GS gave me sugar free Godiva chocolates!
If we go see Lucas it'll be at least $1000 we'll spend. Tickets alone will be $700 so with car and hotel and living there for a few days...It probably makes more sense to hold off until April when Alina comes. That will make it just over a year I don't see him. When I asked him what his license picture was like he described himself. "I have a moustache and a goatee that's kind of long and really long hair. I haven't cut my hair for a long time."

12 21 06
Sick again, again.
What I've done today: very slowly finish the recommendation letter for Jason Walsh who's now living in Oakland and was one of the Freirean teachers. That required changing the letter head to catch up with the changes on top, and learning how to change the margins. Of course since I have no attention for these microsoft steps and am feverish I have not much hope of remembering. In the course of being taught by Zorin from MIS it emerged I also don't know how to shortcut the steps to save my files. He put a shortcut ikon up and showed me steps to get to that. I tried them once and maybe I will remember those.
I'm in a fog. I'm not tempted to be home sick I don't know exactly why, but maybe because I can't really sleep from coughing and drowning in my post nasal drip. And I don't want to face the terrible feelings when I don't use the time off to write.
I'm taking W's not returning my call about whether or not I'm accepted to the Tim workshop as a sign that I'm not. R is going this year so that probably fills the latino quota for the region.
I don't know which set of feelings is worse, those about going or those about not going.
It would be good to know one way or the other.
Is W pissed that I didn't go to class and that is why she isn't calling me?
I should be home but I feel I've already used up my time.
I wonder if there's a way to know whether or not Trader Joe has spelt flour without actually going there again?
Oh..most important. R made another one of her supposed jokes that she caught a cold from me. I have a snap trigger restimulation on that one so I reacted and now we aren't speaking again. Exhausting. From now on when I'm sick I'm not letting her into my office period nor am I going into hers and then I don't have to put up with it. She can be enraged at E's comment about getting sick because his building is cold and feel accused as the facilities person and not understand how I'd be upset to be told directly point blank she caught her cold from me. Well, not to worry. We won't be sharing air.

I canceled the two interviews and the session and will be going home soon unless I get stuck in meetings here. I dread the crowded train with all the bags hanging off me.

Now I'm at the point of wishing I didn't get accepted to the workshop. I so want to have a vacation that's actually a vacation even if I don't travel anyplace.

12 22 06

Sick again again
Still sick
Full of germs
Giving them away for xmas
Come and get them
One and all
Germs are all that will be left
Maybe in one of the viruses
That survive
The flood
There will be some of me
Still having viral little thoughts

I wonder what TJ has to say about the irreversibility of global warming

As long as there’s a bit of me still thinking in this bit of viral matter
There is hope