How he lives

How He Lives
I ran into D who just got back from going to see Machi. And D was willing to tell me how he lives. D's changed. He's been in a program and he's clean and sober. For now. It's true that Sammy's pregnant. D said the house looks like it's never been cleaned. There's no furniture in the living room. There are bottles everywhere. The weed and the alcohol are a daily thing. Machi's huge. He hangs out day and night and there are others who hang out there.
I'm paying for this.
That's why I can't quit my job.
I ruined my son's life. He has a dozen addictions because he has a dozen frozen needs because he had me for a mother.
What do I do?
Another place I'm painted into a corner.
Desperate.

I'm still home sick. Homesick. The home was always there, oppression didn't let me see it. There isn't going to be any family. There isn't any family. I'll read about Machi in the paper one day. He calls and talks to me for an hour about men's rage and how if he doesn't smoke weed he'll kill somebody. Or, he calls to tell me he mailed the money order without filling in the electric company's name or signing it.

I'm sitting in a chair, Ori's old chair, writing in my laptop. It's a gorgeous day but I can't go anyplace. I must be motionless. Very, very still. The way I would be after the beatings. So so still. Because maybe if I was still her rage would blow over, she'd start to sing, one sad song leading into another her high soprano voice trilling, she'd sing herself into a trance and let me be.
If I sit very very still, don't go anywhere, don't want anything, disappear, I will survive.

What to do about my job, my possible jobs. Can I possibly really do that literacy policy job? Isn't it actually true he never would have focused on me were it not for the rc connection? So it actually is blue pages, then? And I can't morally, ethically take the job?
And the left policy job? It's way over my head. Too slick, too lefty successful. Too hard. If they had embraced me right off and acted like they welcomed my elder rank it would be different. But I can't approach it or accept it as a supplicant. And, it's an irrational, too big, crazy, recipe for failure job. Which is why the incumbent failed. And, they're at that developmental juncture when they've started firing people. Not a good time to come into any organization. Not for me.

Which leaves my current job. Which I can't bear to go into, which I loathe and which is ending in June in any case. Do I go be a civil servant? A staff developer with the larger HRA? Can't stomach that. Do I stay here until June and then "retire?" Do I leave in January? Take my six months and finish writing this personal ethnography?
Do I still have enough brain to write with?
And if I do this last choice, what happens to my health insurance? to the mortgage?
Can I do some solidarity economics on my own behalf? What might that be? Do I have any real skills and resources to barter? Do I know anything solid and light enough to float on? Am I just a bs burocrat?