Directions for Talking Straight

08-12-06

While reading The Zen of Listening

Maybe it's listening to them straight...
Stressful listening situations...
full blown arguments
disciplinary events
job interviews
talking to the boss
negotiation

Strategies: put aside your agenda, process information more accurately, get into the movie of the speaker

Goal: process words and emotions...avoid becoming defensive and or offensive

YOU NEED TO UNCONDITIONALLY ACCEPT THE REALITY OF THE OTHER PERSON AS LEGITIMATE
(o how do I do that when they are WRONG, SO WRONG...When they are insulting my very core with their internalized oppression, their sheer stupidity...)

Remain calm...choose words carefully...

MANY OF US FIND IT UNCOMFORTABLE TO DISAGREE OPENLY OR MAKE CRITICAL OBSERVATIONS ...PERHAPS IN THE PAST YOUR DIFFERENCE OF OPINION WAS NOT WELCOME OR THE OTHER PERSON'S REACTION WAS THREATENING TO YOU OR THE RELATIONSHIP...YOU NOD, BE NICE, ...AGREE..WHILE TRUE FEELNGS FESTER...A WALL OF SELFRECRIMINATION SERVES ONLY TO REINFORCE NEGATIVE SELF TALK

direction
recognize your barriers (here comes x...I'm starting to cringe just thinking about his comments at last week's meeting...I'M GOING TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND
PUT ASIDE MY AGENDA AND GET INTO THE MOVIE OF THE OTHER UNDERSTAND WHERE HE IS COMING FROM

relax by controlling my breathing

HAVE A GENUINE INTEREST IN ESTABLISHING A POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP
[How do I do that? When I feel hopeless about relationships across a myriad barriers...race, ideology

She says in the book to transform the feeling from extreme dislike to curiosity...by getting into their movie...MAKE ROOM FOR EMPATHY AND COMPASSION...[ So it also said in that Little Buddha movie I saw on Thursday afternoon...Have compassion for all humans because we are all cousins...sangha...] How, how, how? {And how do you do it if they aren't doing it too? Doesn't it then look to the "enemy" like they've won?"}

This perspective softens your reaction, she says...{O...compassion means a sense of the other's suffering...com means connect with and passion means suffering...connect with the enemy's suffering...If only somebody had connected with Hitler or Ventura Novo's suffering then they wouldn't have gassed or tortured people? Don't get it...Aren't some people not in the sangha anymore?}

She quotes Buber: listen until you experience the other side of the argument (Until you experience it's ok to bomb Iran, invade Lebanon, colonize Cuba, exploit slaves, gas Jews and communists; have everybody else's share of money on earth????)
Another guy Richard Cabot she quotes: "We do not understand an opposing idea until we have so exposed ourselves to it that we feel the pull of its persuasion,....see the power of whatever element of truth it contains." See the element of truth to the idea that white or black people are better than Latinos??? I don't know that I can do that.

Maybe I can get to the place where I can see "their" wrong thinking is not a thought at all but a distress...a confused pseudo thought...[HJ says there's no rational difference between human beings; all difference is irrational; if we all discharged enough we would come to a meeting point where all could agree...I do believe that...]Maybe I can find my way to softness and compassion that way...But some distresses have armies...all armies arm distresses..

WHAT MAKES US THINK THE ONLY PEOPLE WE CAN EFFECTIVELY WORK AND LIVE WITH ARE PEOPLE SIMILAR TO OURSELVES? ...SHUTS US OFF FROM SEEING DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES ON A PROBLEM AND REDUCES OUR CAPACITY FOR CREATIVE SOLUTIONS...MENTAL NARROWING

8-13-06
What are my barriers?
I see ideologies, not people. I think my ideology is advanced and correct and have no patience with the "backward" ideologies.
That translates to, I think I'm better than other people. (I shake just writing that down because..oops that's completely contrary to my ideology!!!So, my ideology that all are equal is superior to others' ideology that they are better. By not having patience for their ideology I actually operate as if I who believe in equality am better than those who believe they are better..What a tight little corner.

Because I believe in no harshness I am better than the bbf who does. So I behave harshly toward her, ignore her, disregard her views...

The corner gets tighter and tighter...She believes she is better and admits it, has no inhibitions about showing her self appointed entitlement to think for others and to punish whoever doesn't agree with her view..

And I, don't want to even consider any of her views at all...believe in inclusion but have no patience for any one who doesn't share my views (So am I any different??)

Boiled down: my barrier is that I think my views are superior, vanguard views...

So I can ask her: What was the thinking behind the audit? Not to manipulate her, give her the rope to hang herself...but because there might be something administrative I'm not getting that made the audit valid in her view (absent an awareness of my unit's perspective)...
[but what I'm thinking is that she's actually doing it to fuck us over, make our job harder, punish the teachers, my unit and very specifically, punish and humiliate me.]

How are we going to support the programs' success?

Liberating thoughts by looking at their emptiness is sort of like seeing that they are part of pseudoreality...They are distresses, not thoughts...
My purpose: to resolve the issue so all parties are satisfied.[Do I want to arrive at a place where it's safe for programs to release students? Where they "trust" central?]