Humiliation on the Job

July 1, 2006
The food is horrible, and such small portions. Woody Allen
Well, I hate my job. But I don't want to lose it. Not until I decide to. I work in a rogue burocrazy, a pirate ship burocrazy. And now we're being brought in, made into official civil servants after 17 years of being a grant funded crew. I don't want to be moved. This is the work I fell into because I couldn't find a way to make a living doing the work I want to do. This is how I've wasted my life, in this job. The irrational work I've had to do because there was no rational work to be had. And because I wasn't graced with the right distresses, the right patterns, wasn't alpha enough to secure for myself one of the few available paid artist slots.
I'm a loser. And this is the place where I've lost.
(There's another story here. In that one, I see myself doing liberatory education in one if the most oppressive systems, for one of the spigots of expendable humans of late stage capitalism. I see myself teaching writing, using writing to liberate, creating art with people, and having found another way to be an artist that matters to me and matters to others...)But with time, as I've aged and risen in the ranks, and time has passed with the accompanying accommodation and growing confusion, I am surrounded more and more by people who don't get that we're a spigot, a spigot like the one that pours some expendable people into the criminal justice system, and others into the mental health system; we're the one that pours them into the vat where they just get barely enough money to live. And those of us who work for this spigot, who only have jobs because others don't, we get to cannibalize each other. And a lot of us lose sight of what our spigot is for, we start colluding with the spigot, rather than subvert the oppression we collude with it, and collude unawarely..It gets harder and harder for me to hold on to the liberatory work...

So it's not that I want to rise higher and be even more in the acid of confusion, and get more corroded and confused myself. The food is bad and I don't want it...So why do I still feel humiliated, and dissed because it turns out that my ideological archenemy, and the other bullshitter scammer who does mis are being proposed at a higher civil service rank than I?

Big keep the blocks time...big fucking keep the blocks I'm not playing time.

This is an old feeling...the feeling that I've just been hit..I can't believe I've been hit. I can't know it so I'm going under. My eyes sting. Where's my champion to defend me? I'm nobody. I'm powerless. The only power I have is to go away, run away.

I can't remember who I am enough to defend myself.

It's humiliating to even write this, show this.

The food is bad...but I resent that others are getting the big portions.
Go figure!!